


Bad Days

by Tomhollandsfandom



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Family Feels, Frustration, M/M, Mental Health Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-06
Updated: 2020-05-06
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:42:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,693
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24032968
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tomhollandsfandom/pseuds/Tomhollandsfandom
Summary: Sam is trying with his mental health is keeping his feelings to himself. It doesn't stop his family from noticing and trying to help.
Relationships: Castiel/Sam Winchester
Kudos: 37





	Bad Days

**Author's Note:**

> It's everyone's POVs. Sam is just having one of those bad mental health days that seems to have more layered issues than he realizes.

Sam was seen pacing back and forth, in the library, obviously lost in his own troubles. He's been trying to avoid biting his fingernails. It was getting more difficult as the seconds past by. He looked up at the sound of footsteps, "Hey, Cas, can you double-check my translations?"

Cas could see the hurt radiating off of Sam, he wanted to pull him into a hug. He refrained and opted for a question. 

"Of course, Sam. Are you okay?" He doubted he'd get a true response, but Cas needed to hear how Sam said it. That always told more of a story than Sam's actual words. 

"Hmm? Oh, yeah. I'm fine." Cas knew this is worse than he initially thought it was. He also knew he could only give Sam space, that if Sam wanted his help he'd go to him. Cas hated knowing this, especially since if he tried to help now, it would only hurt Sam. 

Sam walked away, but Castiel's thoughts remained. 

* * *

Sam didn't really know where he was heading. He just seemed to be wandering today, he somehow ended up in the map room with Jack.

There were markers, colored pencils, and crayons scattered on the map table, along with stacks of coloring books. It was an unusual sight for the bunker. 

"Hi, Jack. What are you doing?"

Jack looked up and paused his actions, he looked down as if he had forgotten what he had been doing before being interrupted. 

"Coloring. I've never done it before. How do people stay in the lines?" He held up the book he had been working in, it was pretty messy. 

Sam found it endearing and saddened almost immediately. They really haven't been able to give Jack a normal childhood. "I can show you how I learned."

"Please, can you?" Jack practically begged and Sam sat down next to him and cleared a space for him to work in. 

"Of course, Jack," Sam reassured with a smile that didn't reach his eyes. Jack wanted to ask what was wrong but he could already guess that Sam wouldn't tell him. 

* * *

Sam eventually ended up wandering again and ended up in the kitchen this time. It was no surprise that Dean was cleaning up in there. 

"What's wrong?" Dean didn't feel like small talk when he saw just how bad his little brother seemed to be holding up. He set down the sponge he had been using and focused on Sam. 

It took Sam a moment to comprehend what Dean had asked, and when he did he sighed. "Nothing, I'm fine." That worried Dean, it didn't sound like his usual, 'I'm stressed and I'm overwhelmed, I need a break.' fine. It was his, 'I'm lost but I don't even know why. My feelings are wrong.' fine. 

"You sure, something isn't bothering you?" Dean doubted he'd get the answer he wished for, but he needed to be sure. 

Sam shrugged and his hands found their way into his pockets. "Yep, nothing. I'm not just saying that to appease you." That's exactly what Dean was worried about. Dean couldn't do anything to help Sam, he could only watch Sam struggle with his troubles and hope Sam won. 

Dean knew one thing he could do though, give him a distraction. "Movie night." 

"What?" Sam knew that look on Dean's face, it was his, 'Sam, I'm scared for you but I'm trying to keep a calm face, even if I'm terrified.' Sam usually sees it during hunts but from time to time he'll see it around the bunker. Usually, Dean is a mother hen who demands to help in any way. This was not the norm. 

"We're having a movie night," Dean repeated and began to finish cleaning up, taking some of his attention off of Sam. 

"But we-" 

"Sam, you need a break, I need one, Cas needs one, and I'm sure the kid does too. No arguing, just go." It hit Sam, this was Dean's way of helping. Sam nodded and ignored the last request, he couldn't just wait in the "Dean Cave". 

"Okay. Okay. What do I need to do?" Dean sighed internally and decided he needs to pair him with Jack. It'll give him enough time to get snacks and to avoid having Sam hover asking, what else can he do? 

"Get the blankets and help Jack set up. I'll get the food, tell Cas to get the movie disks." A job for everyone Sam thought and set off to go tell the others while Dean started to make his movie night specials. 

* * *

The Dean Cave was a mess. It seemed like Dean had gone overboard with the food since they had to bring in another table for it all, however, Jack had proven that Dean brought just enough. The empty containers and trash were littered on the tables and ground, all near Jack and Dean. Sam and Cas had been more mindful than the two foodies. 

The fortress Sam and Jack made was slanted from their ruckus. They had watched an array of different movies they haven't watched yet, some of which they didn't agree with the characters or endings. A lot of shouting, yelling and arguments took place but not as much as the laughter that had filled the room. 

The room smelt like a mix of popcorn, burgers, and pastry sweets. The main thing Cas noticed was the noise, the TV was at a medium volume, but he can still hear Dean and Jack, as well as Sam's breathing pattern. It's how we knew who was asleep and who was awake. 

"Dean and Jack are asleep." Cas didn't look down at Sam who was using his lap as a pillow, curled into a ball, and Sam didn't look up at Cas. 

Sam was holding onto one of Cas' hands with both his hands as a way to keep himself grounded, some of the movies were hard for him to watch. He didn't voice his concerns, but Cas had picked up on them and offered his hand. 

"Hmm, I thought I would've been asleep by now." Sam was looking at the TV like Cas but neither of them is paying attention to what was actually happening. 

Cas broke his trance and looked down at Sam, he seemed to be in a slightly better state from earlier. "Are you okay?" Cas knew the answer but couldn't help but ask. 

"No, but it's not for any particular reason." Cas was surprised at Sam's honesty. Sam could feel himself wanting to cry which only frustrated him, there's no reason for him to feel this way so why is he? 

"Come here." Sam listened to the soft command and sat up, Cas helped guide Sam onto his lap. Cas could see the tears that were bothering Sam and set his forehead against Sam's.

"I love you today. I love you tomorrow. I love you a million days later. And a billion years more after that." It was the mantra that the two say when no other words are enough. The "I love you's" are spoken in Enochian and the "today, tomorrow, million, billion years, after" are said in English. It's only said in private so Sam knows this is a real moment, it's not an illusion. 

"I remember the first time you said that to me." It was a long day, and Sam had almost died during a hunt. While Cas was healing Sam, in a hushed whisper Cas sang the mantra. Sam still struggles with separating Enochian and English sometimes and didn't realize that it wasn't all in English. 

"I do too. You tried to force yourself to say it back even though you weren't ready." That's the only reason he realized it was spoken in two languages. He had only gotten past the first sentence before Cas silenced his guilt with a kiss. Sam still felt guilty that he couldn't finish the mantra at the time, he still struggles sometimes. 

"I felt the same way." Sam tried to assure Cas, which Cas already knew. He knew that night and every time Sam tried further down the road. 

"But you couldn't express it with words, I know. I know how you say, 'I love you' it's just as meaningful as the words themselves." There was no judgment, just love, and Sam couldn't accept it. 

"I wish it was easier to say." 

Cas frowned at Sam's words, "Why? Anyone can say, 'I love you.' And not mean it. You mean it when you say or do certain things, that's so much more meaningful than three small words." He has always known Sam doesn't speak with his words, but his actions. When he does speak with his words they're woven into Sam's way of caring. His "I love you's" are hidden in his, "Are you okay's?" Along with his concerns and small snippets of vulnerability, he has many ways of saying "I love you." You might miss them at first but once you know them you catch them and cherish them. 

"Thanks, Cas. I do, you know." Sam's insecurities were all placed in the second sentence and Cas didn't miss them. He heard them just like he always does. 

"I know." Sam let go of the breath that he had been holding onto. "You need to rest." Cas knew this wasn't why Sam was upset, but it was one more thought he could quiet. That was a win to Cas. 

"Can you help?" Sam asked lifting his head up so he can look Cas in the eyes, Cas couldn't help but smile fondly at the man in front of him. 

"Yes, do you want the volume to be lowered?" Sam shook his head and laid back down, using Cas' lap as a pillow again. This time he wasn't curled up though, and Cas counted it as another win. 

"No, Dean would wake up," Sam said now comfortable in a position to fall asleep. Cas started to weave his fingers into Sam's hair, soothing Sam into a sleepy state. 

"Okay, good night love." 

"Night." Sam yawned and let himself fall knowing Cas was there to help catch him. 

**Author's Note:**

> All comments and criticism are welcomed. If you found any mistakes please let me know so I can fix them. Hope you enjoyed the story!


End file.
